Some research on the interwebs told me that I was looking at a blown blower motor resistor– pretty much it fit my one-and-only symptom; my heat or air conditioning now had only one setting. (Apparently this is because the current running the high-speed setting on the fan bypasses the resistor, so it doesn’t care if the resistor has passed on or not).

However, the aforementioned interwebs did not have sufficient step-by-step directions that were explained so easy that a Caveman such as myself could do it. What follows is (and sorry for the lack of photography) a (hopefully) dumbed-down version of exactly how to save yourself from paying some fat, greasy mechanic with Dale Earnhardt’s number shaved into his back hair $100 to fix it for you.

Purchase yourself a nice new, shiny resistor. I originally wanted to buy from Autozone since I live a block away from them. I called them; they told me that had none in stock but they could order one for like $23– hoping to find one in town, I called Advance and they had one left for the bargain basement price of $14. I’m sure a plethora of other auto parts stores would have tripped over themselves to make a buck on a generic piece of plastic, so call around; it’s a part that’s a tad obscure, but you shouldn’t be paying more than $15-18 for one.

Disconnect the battery? Some people recommend to disconnect the negative (black) terminal on your battery before you do this. I did not because I’m lazy. However, remember, you are working in the vicinity of the airbags, so there is always a possibility something might go wrong. If you are one of these people who fears the unlikely, feel free to disconnect using a 1/2″ (I think?) ratchet and run a few wraps of electric tape around the cable end.

Pull the passenger side under-dash off. I refer to this as an under-dash because I’m too automobile-illiterate to know the actual term. Kickpanel? Floor panel? Whatever it is, it’s the plastic panel underneath the glovebox. (NOTE: Do not listen to anyone tell you anything about having to take the glovebox out! Under zero circumstances does the glovebox need to be removed. Unless, of course, you need to remove the glovebox for some other tedious task, in which case you probably shouldn’t be reading this for instructions on how to do that.)

Wait, how do you pull this panel off? Well it’s not really that simple. The trick with the Stratus is that there are two plastic plugs. If you are sitting in the passenger seat one is above your feet all the way at the back of the panel, smack dab in the center of the vertical portion of it that hangs down (about 6 inches above where the panel meets the floor). The second one is upside down on the right side of the panel, about 4 inches from the edge. These plugs are shady characters. A simple tug and they do not come off. A gentle spin and they do not unlock. No, they are the cheap, tapered, wedges-so-terrible-only-Satan-would-use-them pieces of garbage that only a designer for a failing American car company would love. The dirty little secret? You have to pull them. And you have to use a bit of force. The best way I found was to hold the panel all the way up against where it was attached (i.e., push it in the OPPOSITE direction of taking it off), at which point there will be a small gap between the panel and the head of the plug. At this point, you should be able to get a small pair of needlenose pliers on the shaft of the plug and if you pull-and-twist (sexual innuendo aside) you should be able to wiggle them off. Get the one on the right side off first, then the one in the back– once these are off, you should be able to slide the panel slightly to the right (there’s a little bit of overhang where it is close to the center console) and then pull out. Voila.

Take out the old blower motor resistor. This seems like the easiest part of the whole ordeal, so I won’t be too verbose. Sitting in front of you (a little to the right of center) should be the blower motor. Ahead of (towards the front of the car) and to the left of this should be the resistor (for those even more automobile-illiterate than me– it’s a plastic rectangle with two screws on either end). There should be two sets of wires dangling down. Remove these wires. It is important to depress a little clip along the side of each bundle to get it to “unlock” from the resistor itself. Take an 8mm (or 5/16″) nut-driver (preferable– you can also use a 1/4″ drive ratchet) and remove the old resistor by popping out the two screws.

Replace the resistor and slap the panel back on. OK, this is the easiest part of the ordeal. Put the new resistor into the slot where the old one was (note the same orientation). Screw it back in using the screws you just pulled out; and reattach the wires as such. Almost done! Put back the kickboard (under-dash– whatever) by pushing it back (and sliding it a bit to the right) and push those plastic pins (if you didn’t snap them off) back into their little holes; knowing full well the next time you get back under here, you’ll still be cursing their existence. On the off chance you get pissed off and “accidentally” snap one like me, you can always run a Philips head through the kickboard into the mount for easy (improved) future removal!

Turn on the heat and bask in being able to drive without having the throttle the fan every 30 seconds to keep the inside of your car at a reasonable temperature. And even better; don’t forget the ego boost you gain because you feel that you are kinda-sorta capable at performing extremely (but worthwhile) basic auto repair tasks!